To begin with
If I were ever asked to describe myself. I’d say “Pretty good abilities/lots of potential/Too little exerted effort”
The last one is actually one of my major problems, as it negates the first two. I tend to test myself in many things but I don’t push myself to the ultimatum, I almost never push myself to the maximum limits. Once I sense that the increasing effort isn’t paid back by an equal outcome, I switch to something else. It’s a problem that I’m aware of, it’s a problem I believe the whole country suffers from.
The coming year is the last year for me in college, and the issue is constantly brought up. Either when I’m alone thinking or when I’m asked.
“What are you gonna do after you graduate?”
Although I’ve thought about it much, I get lost amidst my thoughts because I can’t decide what to do. My decision has to be something I’ll continue doing for long. The likely options aren’t much, either it’s architecture (my study) or writing. There are other options as well given the country’s condition, but I tend to keep it simple just weighing those two. Architecture is what I’ve been studying in college for the last three years so I shouldn’t waste those, and writing has been something I’ve enjoyed doing during these years. I can’t decide which one’s worth pursuing or worth wasting myself on. I can’t plan ahead how am I gonna progress through each career too. I’m not even sure if I have what it takes to reach my full potential!
Another thing that worries me, is the military service I’ll apply for after I finish this year. I MAY get rejected during the medical check. I MAY pass the medical check. I MAY get recruited for one year. I MAY get hooked for three! I can’t plan my future with this lying ahead. I don’t want this to affect my decision forcing me to do either architecture or writing only because there’s no other option.
My thoughts even take me farther beyond, I don’t know what to expect of myself after like…10 years. If I pick writing, Will I still be passionate about it? Will I achieve the few things I dream about being a writer? Will I be disappointed if I have spent all this time for nothing? Will I even regret this decision?
I certainly don’t know and these thoughts are tiring me. I comfort myself by saying it’ll come soon enough and everything will be clear when the time comes. That’s the only thing which temporarily calms me down…that’s when I switch off to doing something else…
I question both….my abilities and my motivations