Five


This is going to be my fifth post here, so as a self-reminder…What am I doing here again?

Look, it’s simple, just pouring out whatever that’s on my mind on a daily basis.

Why? I can’t think of an absolute specific reason to justify why my mind crap should be out here. But it’s not here because I want you to give a crap about my mind crap. It’s not out here to test how good am I with words either. It’s not out here because I’m trying to impress you or someone else. One thing is that I don’t really care if you’re gonna read this and just bash me for whatever reason you think me -as a person- or what I do is inferior and worthless to you.

The closest I can make it to a reason is as follows, there’s millions and tons of stuff which my mind processes while doing different things, everything. As an example, I see a great picture of a couple of friends having fun, looking good, gathered somewhere neat celebrating some fancy birthday. It doesn’t end at smiling at the picture or commenting on how good my friends look or how cool is the place. I turn to myself and ask why am I not in this picture? Then I answer. I ask why don’t I have similar pictures? Then I answer. I ask who would be in that picture with me so it would look great? Then I keep going like that. I do not stick to or stop at just liking and commenting. I start speculating and pondering about things that wouldn’t occur even to those related to the original trigger. To me, it never ends there, and I run through vicious circles and endless inquiries, usually reflecting back at me, pointing out some defect or some weakness in me.

The next phase would be me just re-imagining myself in other people’s positions. That’s when it gets flipped upside down and the defects and weaknesses turn into this “I would be great if I was [/insert something I’m not], I would’ve done [/insert numerous things I may never be get to do in this life]”

It makes me feel that my life is too narrow for me, for the things I wanna try or the stuff I wanna fix. And of course I get the usual dosage of “is my life going the right way? Aren’t I wasting it?” but that’s not important here.

So you see, it begins with something nice, leads to negative self-judgement, leads to virtual optimism and imaginary confidence that I’d do very well in other people’s shoes, then my own shoes feel small, surprisingly it ends with a bit of satisfaction of what things are because I can’t just list the good things other people have, I also point out some downsides so in the end a slight grateful feeling is mixed with the satisfaction and traces of confidence that I’ll excel at whatever that’s coming my way =)

**All day I was thinking that today’s article should be about simple compliments and how hard they are for some people to give out. But it just didn’t come to me when I started a “New Post”…maybe later ^^

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Posted on September 17, 2011, in Everything. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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