There must be more to life….
Today’s design sketch was another failure. I agreed to attend, unlikely I decided to stop and hand in what I’ve reached at that point and accept whatever grade I’ll be given. The doctor didn’t like what he saw (it wasn’t likable anyway), so he asked me to come hand in something more presentable some other day.
It was another chance to get a better grade; I didn’t feel good about it though. I wanted to get over with this design so my mind would be clear to focus in the next subjects. I really needed to sleep too, I wanted to leave the doctor discussing other people’s sketches, but I had promised to stay and listen. So I stayed and listened, got the TA’s whereabouts the whole week, even though I have no idea when will I work through this week. But the work isn’t too much anyway…or at least I guess so…
Anyway, I left college and headed to find a ride home, didn’t find any…so I decided to walk all the way home. I had my headphones and my music playlist on .
the songs that were playing all the way somehow fit the mood
Starting with Daughtry‘s “Breakdown”, it goes:
-No it’s not the time to breakdown!
right after I thought about skipping today’s group work and stay home to focus on what I’ve pulled myself in.
Then Linkin Park “Breaking the habit”
-I hurt much more
than any time before
I have no options left again
I dun want to be the one the battles always choose
coz inside I realize that I am the one confused
I don’t know what is worth fighting for or why I have to scream
I don’t know how I got this way, I’ll never be alright
so I’m breaking the habit tonight .
No idea how I’m gonna do it though…
Linkin Park “From the inside”
-Take everything from the inside and throw it all away… Wish I could do that
-Everyone feels so far away from me… Am I falling too far behind?
-Trying not to break but I’m so tired of this deceit,
Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between and how
Trying to prove my trust in you just takes so much out of me… More like trying to prove my worthiness is what takes so much out of me, the rest still fits
Then came Linkin Park’s “Somewhere I belong”
-I wanna heal, I wanna feel, what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long. Erase all the pain till it’s gone.
I wanna heal, I wanna feel, that I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong… Maybe that’s it?
-But all the vacancy the world reveals
is the only thing that I’ve got left to feel
Just stuck, hollow and alone,
But the fault is my own
The fault is my own… in many ways it is
-So I deny what do I have with negativity… Question is: What do I have?
-I will never know,
myself until I do this on my own
I will never feel,
Anything else until my wounds are healed.
I will never be anything till I break away from me.
I will break away, I’ll find myself today… So as long as I’m here it’ll hurt? And I have to bear through it and get out in style?
Next was We are the fallen “Without you”
-When did love fade?
Why are we at war?
Where did we fall?
Where did we go wrong?
HAVE WE LOST IT ALL?… I can’t remember where exactly, I hope it’s not all lost.
-Have you thought to feel the light outside?… but, there’s no light outside =/ that’s why I’m not excited about it neither!
-There must be more to life that what I’ve left behind… YES YES YES THAT’S TRUE
Although it’s getting harder to believe. But there better be something good lying ahead for me. It may seem pointless to me now, but I know some moment in the future I’ll see it and understand. The question I’m asking myself now is: How hard should I keep trying against my will. I can’t remember when my last successful self-challenging trial against the things I hate was…and in the distance lying ahead it’s all fading to grey…
Thanks to D.A. for cheering me up while writing this =D and helping me with it too =)