This was supposed to be one long concentrated thought, it got interrupted by two incidents, dividing it into three, totally shifting my direction….
There’s this friend of mine, a very interesting person. Whom I’ve been wanting to ask a couple of questions. These questions I feel would be weird if asked, I guess I’ll ask them anyway. The answers may be too personal, and may be none of my business. Their answers may not help me much, and may scatter into many more questions which I may not ask if they got creeped out by me. Now I feel it’s not an only interesting friend, I have questions for many of my friends. Many of my friends are interesting, but not all of them are interesting in the way to be asked this kind of questions.
Some of them possibly won’t like to be asked questions about themselves. Some of them may not want to talk abot themselves with me, but I’ll ask them anyway. I won’t feel bad if they didn’t want to answer, but I think I’ll think about the reasons behind it. I’m wondering what will they think while I’m asking and afterwards too.
It’s just that some of them I’m not a really good friends with…damn…dammit people! always get me thinking this much!
I guess I’ll always consider myself alienated from people.
I’m not too strange to say I’m surely weird, then act accordingly based on that fact.
And I’m not too much like them to say I’m one of them.
It reaches threshold that I say that it was wrong to permit that much of others into my life, that it was a bad call to try to get social, that it was way easier to deal with my own self. Then I can say the exact opposite, that people have played an important role in me making it this far….. How far did I make it by the way??
Strangely the same people trigger both of the opposite directions.
*then it was time to get off the microbus and go home, which shifted my thoughts to something else…*
I will NOT get out of this college happy, not even close to happiness. I won’t be happy with all the mishaps. I won’t be happy to leave it without getting the hang of it. I won’t be happy about all the things I’ve missed because I was trying to. I won’t be happy about these mistakes stuck on me. I won’t be happy to leave this massive cloud of negative facts with the people who only saw the only side I was forced to bear and show…
And today there will be no conclusions, only self-beating.
*I got home and sat down to write this, but beforeI did, I passed by this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5JOzIlGv08) and it shifted my thoughts again, and actually cheered me up a bit*
I really do believe that life isn’t only about having fun and hanging out. I really do believe that I’ve been granted a single skill, ability or talent which I could turn into something lifechanging, making life better, influencing a wide range of people larger than the circle containing me, my family and my friends. I also believe that I’ve been put in a place that didn’t squeeze the best in me. On the contrary, almost everything in this place has shed light on some disadvantage in me. And that has filled up the image of how I see myself. To the degree that I can’t trust the qualities I may have picked up because they’re linked to my mistakes and failures.
What’s the value of a bachelorate or a good grade? I don’t know, all I know that it seems too little in comparison to the struggle and suffering I’m put through to acquire it.
Too little to get sore about, too little to feel urged to change my interests and nature to succeed in it. I didn’t CHOOSE this, it was simply the most likely choice, when the other choices didn’t really fit. And it won’t confine me in its predrawn path, I’ll choose….someday I’ll choose…
Even if I have my self-worries and self-suspicions, that I didn’t put too much effort in this because it’s too hard, what would make me put an effort afterwards if it turned out to be as hard. I hope I would, because now I don’t want anything from this. But I’ll want to achieve many things afterwards 🙂