I find my silence…fullfilling
My silence is necessary
As I’ve been mentioning through most of the recent posts about the struggle between myself and how much effort am I willing to put into college work. And how much do I see its importance to my future, or how possible it is to become my future career.
I might be talking about this more than I should, I really am, so please forgive me if I’m being boringly repetitive. But you should know that, I spend around 5 out 7 weekdays doing college work. It’s like you hate eating fish, and all you allowed to eat is fish. Almost everything you say or do during will relate one way or another to fish and how you hate it, right? Every sentence will be a shout out to complain or express you rejecting to eat fish.
Same for me, the whole week revolves around college work, I stay with friends who only talk about how yesterday’s sketch, today’s lecture and tomorrow’s drawing. I meet friends in college who only talk about the same things to the extent it feels that it’s everything life’s revolving around!
The problem lies in the lack of opportunities to do things outside the cycle of college, the weekly schedule forces a lifestyle which allows you to barely live. The three stages of your day are work, hand in your work, go home to sleep and repeat. Minimizing any social contact you can have with any circles you have other than your workgroup.
So all the stories I can tell, all the moments I can recall, are not happy stories, everything that describes my week is all exhaustion, failures, problems, obstacles and let-downs. And I don’t feel like telling these stories, it would give you the impression that I’m a sad person, which may be true at this moment. But I’m not okay with it, I wanna be happy and tell happy stories, and my current stories don’t make me happy, and your pity to my sad stories won’t make me happy and won’t make you feeling like telling me any happy stories, which is what I totally need. I feel like a harnessed donkey, only allowed to look forward, only to walk forward, see through a very narrow scope. A darkened alley with creepy looking closed windows, all of them ready to unleash whatever evil it holds.
So if I’m silent during a solo/group conversation I’m one of both, either I’m holding something inside that’s better left unsaid, or I’m in need to step back and watch you and everyone having fun, because I can’t remember how my fun self was…and I have no idea how will I get it back…
The reason could also be it’s all new to me, I sit back and observe to get the hang of things. Although I don’t consider myself a very social person, but it matters if people don’t enjoy my company.