Quicksands of time: 2012
As I welcome a brand new year, I’m overwhelmed by the surging flow of urgent thoughts, stuff I wanna say, things I’m grateful for, people I wanna thank, memories I wanna immortalize, life events worth mentioning, changes I’ve made, achievements I’ve done.
But I can’t help coming back to remembering this very same time of last year. The time of 2011’s end and 2012’s beginning. Allow me to apologize in advance because it wasn’t so pretty back then. And that specific spot in time didn’t get any prettier when remembered now. So please excuse me it’s not gonna be pretty as I go…
A year ago, the start of 2012 followed what I can call “Hell’s week”, it’s that week at the end of the semester where all the deadlines decide to meet and party, forcing you to race against time and space to get things done. This week was the true test of stress, pressure and endurance, especially being the senior year when you had to give out your Aest of your A-game.
Your mental and physical strength are constantly being consumed and challenged to limits you never thought you could withstand, you’d easily burst to the slightest poke. Collapse under the pressure and surrender to your weakness and inability to push yourself further.
All I needed to fully breakdown was one day, just a single day was enough to break me. I made it halfway through the week, safe and sound with minimal losses that lie within the tolerable ranges. Tuesday it was, I passed my design project’s deadline for reasons out of my hand, at least part of it was. I was already suffering from the burden of submitting it late and the self-poisoning my mind was performing. Although it wasn’t the first time for me to pass a deadline *bitch please* but it was that forever existing hope that I’d do it right for once. Anyways, The self-poisoning wasn’t that bad because I had the “out of my hand” excuse to balance it out.
So that day, I was there in college, in our big hall, waiting for someone to open up the Professor’s office for me to leave my printed project for grading, ready to get this over with and move on to the next deadly deadline. I didn’t care about the grade anymore, long has passed since I last cared about that crap. I just wanted to get this done and leave, get back to the sanity sustaining company of my archies. Needless hours passed and I was reaching nowhere. I’m not in a suitable state to make a fuss about it and start troubles. Within those hours, a friend kept calling me, nagging me as she needed a file to work on, I had to leave and give it to her, and I couldn’t do that. I told her she’ll get it as soon as I can, still she kept calling. My brother passed by, he was checking up on my progress on my other individual project, which was disastrous. Then he offered to take that file and give it to my friend as he was passing by the place she stayed at. But of course I didn’t listen, my mind was busy enough to filter out everything but “file” so I thought he meant the file of my individual project, I thought he wanted to help me with it. So after he left, he called me to ask about the file I didn’t give him. And when I understood what happened, I felt worse, because now I have to leave with my unsubmitted project and head over to give my friend the file myself, there was no other way. Even when fate tried to serve me, it stabbed me again. I was tired, sleepless, and sensitive to any extremities (loudness, talkativeness, weight-lifting…) so all I wanted is a moment of tranquility, some silence, some relaxation. But that file was needed for the project due tomorrow, so she had to finish the last touches so we can start working on the next phase at night after the whole team gathers. And for that I left to deliver it, after I reached an agreement to submit my design project the next day (even later than late). But again, I didn’t care…
After delivering the file, I headed towards our place, the apartment me and the guys lived in all year. All I asked for was something to eat and a few hours of sleep so I can get through the rest of the day -and night- without collapsing. So I headed back with no energy, with urgent need to recharge and unload. I arrived at the door and I started knocking, then I tried calling each of my friends’ phones, then I knocked harder, still calling each one of them, I could hear their phones ringing inside! There was no answer, I kept knocking and calling for more than half an hour. They were all inside, I knew that, I was sure of that. It happened before, but I was hoping they wouldn’t let it happen that day, I didn’t need that happening that day at all! I knew they were all dead tired and it’s unlikely that they’d wake up. But I, too, was dead tired. And I wouldn’t have been able to leave again and go home. I was helpless and powerless and I had no energy to argue or even let out that anger. I could’ve entered MADMAN mode, went out on the street shouting at the skies “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? WHY ME? WHY TODAY?”. But I just sat down on the stairs, face down on my bag, closed my eyes and slept. I didn’t care, oh well I couldn’t care about how uncomfortably cold the stairs were, or how would I react any of the residents if one saw me and tried to wake me up, it could’ve turned violent.
I slept for an hour, couldn’t take the cold any more than that. I tried knocking and calling again maybe one of my friends could hear, but nothing happened. Our meeting time was near, set half an hour later. So I called the last one of us, who had to go to home nearby to have lunch with his family, to check our status, where and when will we meet for work that night. He asked about the rest of us, I answered without mentioning anything and I told him I’ll wait for him at his building’s entrance.
I only wanted to leave, away from the stairs and the cold and the pointless knocking. I was really angry, and my anger was targetless which is even worse because I couldn’t take it out on anyone. I was aware that the day is still long and storming out on my team won’t do me or us any good. All I could do is blame the day for being so rash, for making everything go wrong at a time I was easily breakable.
So I walked, even more exhausted, needing rest more than ever. It wasn’t long until he came down, we got in his car, I was silent, I wanted to stay silent and keep everything inside. I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted this to pass, but he kept asking and kept not answering, he insisted and I tried to end that conversation before it even started.
I’m really rarely angry, I almost never get mad, anger and fury is a powerful raw force I’ve always kept only for the proper times. I believe that there’s nothing for me to waste myself over, yet. Life isn’t fair, there are ups and downs always, you can enjoy the ups and weep the downs or you can treat them both the same way to keep yourself stable.
Clearly I remember how fast I was talking, word pulling the next, feeling so angry that my guts were being sucked out, I got teary, I was frowning. I’m pretty sure it was ugly. By the time I was finished, it took me a while to catch my breath. It was tiring, letting it all out.
I couldn’t take it, I hated this fucked up place and what it has done to me, I was prepared for this week and expected all of this shit, and I wanted to get through it, honestly I did. Just one last push for one last time for this to be over. I’ve took in so much of this week’s shit already in the first two days. I’m only asking for some rest, to space out for an amount of time. Is that too much to ask? why is everything opposing me? things didn’t need to get any worse!
It’s like you’ve ordered a meal that you know will taste bad, and while eating someone comes and changes your coke with another one that’s not cold at all, takes the ketchup away, and after that they throw the whole meal to the floor.
*Later that day, our team gathered, we worked, I pretended nothing happened, I withheld my anger, my fury, I hid my exhaustion, and though we faced several problems trying making it happen for the products and outputs of the project. It felt easier sharing shit with others, even if this shit was different from that which troubled me, even if it directly fix me up.*
I don’t know how my friend felt or what he thought while I was moaning over my day, but he told me that these tough times are what makes us stronger, these are the ultimate challenges that pushes us beyond our limits. If it’s gonna get worse, let it get worse. Two years from now we’ll be looking back at that day and we’ll laugh about it.
And yesterday, on new year’s eve, we did =)
I couldn’t hide my discomfort bringing back this memory I wish I didn’t tell. But I was glad it passed, and I was grateful it paved the way for 2012 to be as awesome as it was. =)
We did a kickass video!
I dodged military service!
I got to know my family more!
I got an article published in a magazine!
My brother/friend got engaged to the love of his life!
I got my first job ever!
and I’m rocking it!
Me and my archies are starting our own business!
I’m certainly happy with 2012 =)