I am capable!
It has been quite sometime, since I last did something impressive to myself. Since I last felt so passionate about something that I dropped everything just to do this one thing and nothing but this one thing.
I need to do that on regular basis or on suitable intervals so I can keep myself motivated. Get down on it and just crunch through the hours, ignore the exhaustion and come up with an output I’m proud of. Something that affects a lot of people especially those people I love, the close ones, the ones who had been there all the times, the ones who bore with me when I was most displeased and hateful to my own self.
It’s been a while since I expressed myself here, expressing myself has become harder in the last two months because there were too many questions I couldn’t give an answer to, and being asked those questions all the time everywhere just pushed me into an escapist’s attitude. Pushed me into my lonely cocoon of silence and distractions, putting off the thoughtful search for answers. I felt incapable and incompetent.
Being like that has put a delay on my moving on, at some point I’d have to move on and start to do things, whether new or old. I feel like I’m right in the middle of this transition but I’m hating the waiting. I need to get out of this tunnel. Because what I keep being told is that I’m capable, people for some reason believe in me. They believe that I am capable of doing great things.
This kind of stuff people say puts pressure on me, like there’s some kind of reputation or a standard I have to live by. While most of the time, I only see my freakin flaws and I duck under unable to face the winds of my own fears.
I struggle to create perfect environments, I urge myself to go the extra mile, the mile that everyone thinks it’s pointless to take. I want to achieve some sort of balance in which I can take in a healthy dose of all the different colors I have discovered on my way here.
I do not brag and I do not show off but I’m aware of what I’m capable of, and I AM CAPABLE!
…of many many things which is again why I strive and aspire to be.
These are some of the things…
A book, a piece of art, a game, a gravestone(?)…just things with my name on them.
Coming to think about it, the problem is that I don’t feel that the things I’m doing or trying to do are getting me any closer to any of those things. The reason I feel that way is because I’m in constant fear that I will get drifted away by life from those things, and end up miserable doing things I had to do instead of the things I wanted to do. Also -if it’s not enough already- there’s the fear that if I ignore everything and go for the things I want, I’d miss out on things that really matter, things that I’m told I better do now as they’ll make it easier later on. Unfortunately, This kind of advice I just cannot ignore. That’s the way it goes, people usually support and yay you when you’re excited at first, but they aren’t equally supportive when you’re obviously in a sluggish state, their advice is more about reconsidering coming back and following the other traditional road. While what you only needed to listen is the same original level of support! Everybody hates to be responsible when something goes wrong unless they’re gonna be able to tell you “I told you so” and that’s only if they’re not supportive in the first place.
What’s important now, or what I see is important now, is not to give in to the external pressure. Not to wrap my arms and take the least space possible just to lose the discomfort I’m feeling because of these walls which are closing in. If I’m getting crushed both ways, why shouldn’t I go down fighting?
As a dear friend of mine whom I get to see once in a month told me, focus on one thing for now.
Focus will get you from A to Z, from start to end. I’ll have my experiment, observation and conclusion like back in the day in 4th primary.Focus will give you the privilege of making a decision and sealing it. No revisiting, no doubts, no “what ifs”
I need to ditch the things that aren’t serving any of the previous purposes, stop spending time on them, ditch the temporary for the lasting that might turn out to be permanent!
So here I am, gripping both hands firmly at a new day’s shining sun. I am capable, I am awesome, I will do great things and I will feel great for doing them.
(I hope this helps, R.A)