Excuse me if I’m not feeling like it, but reaching my 23rd year was accompanied by a considerable loss which occurred three days ago.
While I keep saying that I’m fine and I’m okay. Still not okay to the degree of celebrating a birthday, being happy for the day that comes once a year three days after one that comes once in a lifetime.
I thought about spending sometime with my cousins, it might make me feel better, but after a long day they must be asleep by now. Or spending time together. I preferred not to make this about me, I can’t.
One constantly gets tested in situations where they’re exposed to feeling a mixture of feelings, for different reasons, at the same time. I passed my previous tests when my own feelings were the only button that needs tuning. But this seems more than that, and here I am, clueless of what I should do or how I should feel.
Okay, decision time…
I’m only turning 23 once, but I’ll always bear the memory of those whom we’ve lost: My dad, grandfathers, grandmothers, parents of dear friends…and others.
Please, loved ones whom we’ve lost, do not take this the wrong way. I’m not being insensitive, at least not intentionally. You’re always going to be in the memories: mine or of those who were closest to you. And I assume that during your life you came to its fluctuating pattern of ups and downs. I’m just taking this “up” today, if you let me.
In the middle of writing this, my brother asked me for help with calculus problems. When I came back from one of those times I saw this:
My brother’s tweet, I told him that I’m not feeling so festive, considering that I just came back from the funeral ceremony.
He said “The day’s just beginning, go get some sleep and when you wake up it will be your birthday.”
I’m not sure if I would take his advice, what do you think?
“It’s harder starting over,
than never to have changed.
With blackbirds following me,
I’m digging out my grave…
They close in, swallowing me
the pain it comes in waves…
I’m getting back, what I gave” Blackbirds – Linkin Park
This blog post,
marks my 150th post
while that’s no special number
it’s quite a lot
I’d like to commemorate that too =)