Blank Five

It’s not unusual anymore, to receive news of death. It’s all the same to me even if they are not the same to me.

But since I lost my father seven years ago, I cried that day. I was stiff like a wooden log after my mother called me from my room, I was numbed by his last gasps for breath as I pressed my hands against his chest, I was thunderstruck all the way to the hospital. And when they let me and my mother see him for the last time, I was mute and frozen.

“It doesn’t hit you until it fully sinks in…”

I stayed that way for some time, my older brother arrived, with a serious looking face, I can’t remember if we exchanged words. But I remember the thought that made me cry is delivering the news to my two younger brothers.

I wept more later that day, silently and alone. Several times followed in the next month or two, then once or twice in the next two years.

All for him…

Many deaths followed his, my half-granddad, one of his daughters, then his wife (my half-grandma)…
Then my father’s mum (my grandma), friend’s father, another friend’s father, one more friend’s father…
Until last month when my uncle’s wife, who is my mom’s best friend passed away, and two days ago, my cousin.

I’ve never cried except for my father, have I grown stronger? or all of these never hit a chord? did I develop some kind of rock-solid resistance to “feeling”? or have I accepted it as the counterpart of life?

Time and again,
along those years,
Death has failed
to shed them tears.
indifferent and sturdy
whenever he hears
of death and loss
that’s when someone
simply disappears.
A single time before,
that heart was pierced,
that incomplete strike,
cracked open its destiny
as visions, like a seer

the inevitable future
the passing of the most dear.
It lies in wait,
until today
it beats in fear.
For all he knows,
the killing blows
draw near,
and near,
and near.
When the full strike lands,
uncaging tears and screams
so loud and so clear.
Plus three ticks to misery,
between sturdiness and collapsing,
are what his soul reveres.

Blank Four

Posted on July 29, 2013, in Everything. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Reblogged this on TooMuchOfaGirl.

  1. Pingback: Blank Six | Venting

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