Checkpoint


Okay, so this is me here doing a report on…ummm…myself?

You know when you’re playing a time trial in a racing game and you pass by checkpoints then your time get extended and you get a shot at getting to the one after and so on? That’s one thing.

You also know when you’re playing adventure games or side-scrollers (like Mario) and then you pass by a certain point where you can respawn at after -God forbid- YOU DIE MISERABLY LIKE A N3WB13?

Well, this is a checkpoint in the life of me, Ahmed Nabih:
(So take good accurate notes dear stalkers, internet informers, CIA agents and creeps)

This is to get me going, this is to get back to

Date and time: I’m sitting here, my room, at home where I live with a family of four men and a mother, in Downtown Cairo, Egypt, Planet Earth.
It’s 3:35am according to my laptop’s clock, three days before new year’s beginning. That is 2014, but that’s only how many since these humans started counting.

Current status: mentally intrigued (which is why I’m here AND writing, hopefully posting this too), in a clear spot where I can see everything else is so unclear, kinda alone (because alone or so alone will only make it worse and I’ll drift off to that path with zero chances of coming back because I admit I kinda like it there) so I’ll switch to the physicals: physically, I’m recovering from a cold that couldn’t reach its peak, feeling quite cold and a little fatigued from those two continuous hours of football last Tuesday. (I’m not really made for this :/)

Current life phase: I’m halfway through my twenty-third year. At this very point my life isn’t particularly close to what “my peers” define and live it. I currently have (let’s go through this backwards) no kids, no wife, no place of my own, no fiancée, no job,  no girlfriend, no constant -or semi-constant- source of income, no car, no long-lasting passion that’s being converted into a productive output and no and no and no. I might be focusing on the negative here, we know that’s not the full picture. If I am so late for this pre-defined checkpoint, how in hell did I make it here? It’s simple: “If you didn’t do good enough for your last checkpoint, it’s unlikely you’ll reach the next.”

So basically what I’m trying to say -and tell myself here- is that there are a few good fucking merits that got me this far. And if I try to list them down for you -or for me- I’ll fail. Because the only things that rise to the surface when I face myself in a mirror are the flaws, the things I know about me that I try to hide, the things I know about me that I hate and all that negative crap that doesn’t really please you when it’s on the show.

And frankly, the more the distance drawn -by me or elsewhat- between what I am, what I’m told I should be and what I want to be… (oh look, it’s not just a distance between two points IT’S A FREAKIN TRIANGLE! THREE PEOPLE STANDING BACK TO BACK AND JUST RAN OFF IN THREE DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS!) …anyway, the more that distance got bigger I believed less and less in myself and those few good merits.

I started to look more for what I’m missing and how the people who got there got there. For me, that was mostly the social skills from amateur basics to veteran hypocrisy. How people are people? How people deal with people? and all that crap. That did take a lot of effort and time. I wouldn’t say I failed but I wouldn’t say I succeeded also because the more I learned and practiced the less I wanted to learn or practice more. It’s just not the way for me to go even though it’s where I’ve pulled myself into. And now it doesn’t get me places I want to be at, it only gets me places I get dragged to.

So at this point in time, I would definitely want to make a big-ass declaration that I’m leaving many things behind, putting an “unworthy” label on things whose value and importance are pretty darn un-negotiable.

I’ve been walking a considerable distance but my eyes were never on the road, my eyes were always on something else, or in fact many things…else.

And now echoes in my head words from a motorcycling game I had back in 2001, when we got our first PC at home

“YOUR TIME IS EXTENDED!”

Whatever comes next is a challenge I lay upon myself.

Right now I’m really wondering if there’s ANY difference at all between before writing this and afterwards.
I can’t be sure, for sure, because I know life happens. But that sounds more like a prepared excuse if anything goes wrong with that challenge so…

I don’t know…I’m outta here!

[If curiosity kills the cat, I’m almost sure uncertainty will be my death.]
See? almost sure…heh #irony

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Posted on December 28, 2013, in Everything and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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