Hashtag Rut Life
The last few days I’ve been coming back home from work with zero will to do anything. Low tolerance to any interaction. Simple conversations or exchanges with my mother became heavy. Calls from my military serving brother are nothing but heavy. And during the day, I’m carrying all this heaviness that is myself, with no incentive, no willpower and no actual productivity.
The other day,
Or this morning,
Or yesterday night I can’t even tell…I was stirring this thought of “am I just doing time?”. It started off being about work, then about home, then about Egypt, then about this life. It stretched out to every aspect of my existence. I sense the absence of meaning and purpose and it’s not painful nor scary.
It’s the way it’s been for so long. I’m going with the flow but everything that’s on my mind is no where near where the flow takes me. The strangest thing is that no action is taken to change that. Going against the flow and actually seeking what I want drowns me in so much negativity, the stuff I can’t handle. Maybe I’m still naive and childish and my way to avoid handling that negativity is conformity coupled with escapism. In the last few days my mind has been bugged with an un-close-able error message “I don’t belong here”. And again I’m not doing anything to change my whereabouts to where I’m supposed to belong. I settle for the roles I have been assigned(?) here. Interesting choice of the word “assigned”, gives away any control I have over my life. I’m finding it hard to define myself anymore. I’ve been absorbed in what memes call “adult life”. And let me say that it’s not all that bad but it can and should be a fuckmillion times better.
I keep thinking that there will come a time when I’ll be able to pull off that life change. But every time I take a good look at the happenings and surroundings it seems like I’m only drifting with the current. I’m finding it hard to pinpoint my strengths. I find it hard to get myself to chase after something, seek something, try to achieve something because there’s always failure. And I haven’t delved much into why I’m afraid of failure, so naturally I’d give it a try now.
The worst part of failing for me is pinpointing the reasons I’ve failed. If it was because I did something wrong, I’ll feel like shit. If it wasn’t and something out of my control caused it, I’d feel angry. And rationally, one would avoid feeling like shit. And personally, I distance myself from anything that makes me angry and for the off-chance that I got angry, I self-numb all the anger and force indifference with an inside note on the -now forever locked- door that I’m not doing this again to myself.
So maybe the question is about which of these can I take?
Is the indifference better? Is being constantly numb good because external factors can’t and won’t touch this.
Or is it better if I struggle? Start making some seemingly crazy decisions. The thing is, everything that’s seemingly crazy puts me in direct contact with an ocean of confusion and self-doubt. Is this what I really want? Would doing this make things better? Which normally paves the way to -the ever so omnipresent- indecisiveness and the benevolent uncertainty.
Now I think that I need to talk to someone about this, reach some sort of agreement about what I want, sign a “change your fucking life your miserable rat” contract and proceed with whatever plan we came up with. Funny thing is, I believe I did that tens of times but when left to my own self. Very VERY little action is taken. And I intellectually walk back shamelessly to square one.
I’m unable to reassure myself every step of the way that I’m on the right track, or even on a track.
I don’t believe myself when I tell myself “We’re doing this, for that which we’ve always wished for.”, I really don’t. Apparently, a part of me isn’t very supportive of me.
Is that bad? How bad?
The ever so omnipresence: “I don’t know”